


My Boyfriend's Back

by AnonEhouse



Category: Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-18
Updated: 2012-05-18
Packaged: 2017-11-05 14:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/407613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce returns home to disquieting rumors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Boyfriend's Back

**Author's Note:**

> While mowing today I distracted myself by singing the 1960's era song 'My Boyfriend's Back' and the lyrics just... cried out for the Hulk defending Tony's honor.
> 
>  
> 
> _Excerpt from the song:_  
>  He's been gone for such a long time  
>  (Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)   
> Now he's back and things'll be fine   
> (Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)   
> You're gonna be sorry you were ever born  
>  (Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)  
>  Cause he's kinda big and he's awful strong   
> (Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back)
> 
>  
> 
> _(Hey he knows I wasn't cheatin'!)_  
>  (Now you're gonna get a beatin'!)
> 
>  
> 
> _(What made you think he'd believe all your lies?)_  
>  (Wah-ooo, wah-ooo)   
> (You're a big man now but he'll cut you down to size  
>  (Wah-ooo, wait and see)  
> 

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Bruce was glad to be back in Stark Tower. He'd had a pleasant week attending a physics conference, but this was the one place he really could relax. He'd returned with some new ideas he wanted to explore in his lab after he unwound. Maybe next time he'd take Tony up on his offer of the use of his private jet. Airports were really more stressful than he cared for these days.

He went to the breakfast nook and picked up the pile of newspapers that had accumulated. Tony and Pepper only accessed the news on-line, and even then, only when Jarvis pointed out something relevant to their interests, but Bruce liked the feel and sound of an actual newspaper, so he subscribed and enjoyed reading about things that had absolutely nothing to do with him. Some days he found that Tony had got to the crossword puzzle first, which was always a challenge because Tony always ignored the clues and fit his own words into the grid until he got bored.

He started at the back of today's issue, leafing randomly forward. Want ads, lost puppies, recipes, gossip...no, wait? Bruce adjusted his glasses, and looked more closely. Yes. He'd read that correctly. He took off his eyeglasses. Well. He could ignore it. Of course he could. But should he? Maybe Tony was right; the more you act meek, the more people will walk over you. He folded the paper back around the column and looked at it again.

***

"Yes, that's correct." Bruce had never been in a newspaper office before, so he wasn't sure, but he suspected this really wasn't a top-of-the-line example. "I want a retraction printed. In the same place in the newspaper, in the same size font." He smiled at the secretary. "My name is Dr. Bruce Banner. You might also know me as the Hulk."

"You a wrestler? We don't print retractions for wrestlers. You should be glad for the publicity."

Bruce stared at the woman in astonishment. "No, I'm not a wrestler." He showed her the column. "This is the article I want retracted."

"Oh, celebrity gossip. We never retract that, either." She shrugged. "Famous people give up the right to privacy."

"Where did you get that idea?" Bruce isn't angry. Not in particular. But stupidity always makes him burn. "Do you really want to be sued?"

She flicked her gaze over the article again. "By Tony Stark? He'd be laughed out of court. There's You Tube videos of him much worse than that."

"Not in the last year there haven't been. Mr. Stark was instrumental in saving the lives of everyone in the city, including yourself!"

"Yes, but that's old news. It doesn't sell papers."

Bruce was getting tired of going around in circles. "Look, will you print the retraction or not?"

"I'm just a secretary, I can't authorize that. You'd have to speak to Mr. Jameson."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"You didn't ask."

Bruce took a deep breath. "Which is Mr. Jameson's office?"

"The one that says J. Jonah Jameson on the door. But you can't go in there!"

"Watch me." Bruce opened the door and entered the office. The man sitting behind the desk, smoking a cigar (cheap from the smell of it), was berating a young man who had a camera on a strap around his neck and was holding a sheaf of color photos. They both looked up as Bruce entered. The face of the man behind the desk grew more truculent. In contrast the young man looked at Bruce, blinked in apparent recognition, and smiled.

"Who the hell are you? Never mind, get the hell out of my office," the cigar smoker, presumably Mr. Jameson, said, "before I have you thrown out."

The young man laughed and then backed up from Jameson's glare. "That's Bruce Banner!"

"So." Then Jameson blinked. "Right. The Hulk. Might be good filler. You want publicity, right, Banner? Parker, get photos."

Bruce took a deep breath, held it for two seconds, and then released it. "I do not want publicity. That's the last thing I want. I want you to print a retraction of this column." He laid the article down on the desk. In the interest of clarity, he'd circled the relevant portion in yellow highlighter.

Jameson glanced at the paper. "No. Tony Stark is a man-whore. Everyone knows it."

Bruce looked at Jameson, and then began unbuttoning his shirt, an expensively tailored purple silk figured with small light blue motifs. "I see that you really aren't willing to listen to _me_." Parker looked at Bruce, wide-eyed and began backing up toward the door, but he had his camera up and aimed at Bruce.

Jameson frowned. "Streakers are ancient history. Not newsworthy. Don't bother."

"I'm not a streaker. I just don't want to ruin my shirt. It was a gift from my boyfriend." Bruce draped the shirt over a nearby chair and let himself Hulk out. He roared in Jameson's face, blowing the cigar right out of the man's mouth. Parker started snapping photos while grinning like a maniac.

"TONY GOOD BOYFRIEND. NOT LOVE OTHER MEN!" 

Jameson cringed as the Hulk pounded one fist on his desk, crumpling it into a stack of splinters. "No, no, of course not! That's... that's not what a man-whore is! It means he has sex with many women!"

The Hulk's brow furrowed. "WOMEN, OK. BUT NOT SAY TONY CHEAT ON HULK WITH MEN!" 

"No, never, I wouldn't dream of it." Jameson flattened himself against the wall as the Hulk moved to growl right in his face. "I'll print a clarification!" After a moment the Hulk nodded, picked up the purple shirt, bashed a hole in the wall and leaped out. Jameson looked at Parker. "Got that?"

Parker patted his camera.

"Good." Jameson found and lit another cigar. "Hulk and Iron Man, huh. That ought to sell a few papers."

"Um," Parker said, "I don't think you ought to print that. Dr. Banner seemed rather insistent on privacy."

Jameson waved off Parker's protest. "Banner's a wimp, and the Hulk's an idiot." 

Parker shrugged and left the room.

***

Two hours later, Parker returned to Jameson's office with the color glossies of the Hulk, it had taken a while to color-correct for the yellowish tint of indoor lighting. A tall reddish-blonde woman wearing an expensively tailored purple silk dress figured with tiny light blue--arc reactors?-- strode up to him, balancing impeccably on scarily tall high heels. "Mr. Parker?"

"Um, yes?" 

She smiled at him. "Congratulations on your promotion. Bruce told me you were much more sensible than Mr. Jameson."

"Promotion?" Parker stepped back as a pair of burly security guards dragged Jameson out of his office, arms wrapped around cardboard boxes full of his possessions.

"Yes. Mr. Stark bought the paper. You're the new editor." Her smile grew brighter. "I don't think you'll be needing those photos of Bruce, now, will you?" She held out her hand. "We like a quiet family life."

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, it's really Bruce Banner/ Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, but that would give away the punchline if I tagged it that way.


End file.
